Mom’s March.

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March used to be my Mama’s month. After all, her birthday is March 12, 1944. She would be 70 in just a few days. “Would be” are the operative words. That nasty shit, cancer took her 23 years ago when she was 46.

46…the age I am now.

Unbelievable. She only got to live this long. What kind of shitty deal is that? I’m 46 and I’m only just getting started. I was nearly 23 when she passed, so I have officially now have been without her as long as I was with her.

It doesn’t matter. How long it’s been, I mean. So much of her is in me. So much that sometimes, I feel like i can’t breathe. And get this, it’s been like this for 23 years. It shouldn’t be that way. It shouldn’t still be so fresh. But for some reason that I am completely unaware of, it hasn’t faded. It’s not that I am in constant mourning everyday as if it were the day she passed.

It’s not that.

It’s just that she is so “here”. And yet, she’s not. She is in me but I cannot feel her presence. You know how people always say, they can feel someone who has passed? That has never happened to me, not once. I sure wish it would. Just 5 minutes. That’s all I need. To clear a few things up and to say thanks for everything and to ask her to let go of me. And I would hug so hard and it’s a hug I could keep close forever. Just the hug. Nothing else. Seems reasonable to me.

So, if that would help me so much, why can it not happen? If it truly does happen to others, then why not me too? I can’t figure it out. In any case, I called this piece, “Mom’s March” because it always has been. But this year, 2014 is the last year it is Mom’s March. Going forward, it will be “MY March”. No more reflecting. Well, except for those times when It happens out of my control. But I think it’s important to make it MY March. It’s also going to be MY Christmas. It’s going to be MY June 30th.

I’m 46 years old. I still have so much to do. It’s high time I got on it.

Talk to you soon! xoxo

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Why am I never enough?

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I don’t mean with anyone specifically. I mean in general. Why am I never enough? My whole life, words of me not being enough or me being “too” something have been said to me. I am old enough now and have learned skills to push that negativity out of my head. But, you know, sometimes, the opinions, the judgements and the preconceived notions of who I am and who I ought to be, weigh me down so much I want to just scream: IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT (ME), KISS MY A$$!

Words DO hurt.

They get under your skin and if are not careful, I could become exactly what others accuse me of being. And so much of it is contradictory. Icouldn’t please everyone even if I tried. I stopped trying long, long ago. Still, those words, those damn pigeon-hole words can still get the best of me:

  • She’s too loud.
  • She never talks.
  • She talks too much.
  • She’s too short.
  • She’s too fat.
  • She’s too friendly.
  • She’s not friendly enough.
  • She’s too opinionated.
  • She’s too crazy.
  • She never does this.
  • She always does this.

I could literally go crazy trying to be what everyone else thinks I should be. But, the honest truth is, I am not the least bit interested in changing a single thing about me. I like who I am. And it’s more than that, I’m proud of who I am. I am aware that I am different than most women at my age and stage of life and I love that about myself.

People make assumptions about me without getting to know me. I always enter relationships with an open mind. Another thing I’m proud of, considering so many of my relationships have not been as strong as they should be or have not lasted. How dare anyone judge me when they know nothing about me? Then again judgements about me are not my problem or even business. They do become my business when those judgements could impact my life.

Why can’t people be happy within themselves and want happiness for others? Is it really necessary for anyone to talk down about anyone else? Here it is in a nutshell: If anyone feels my name coming to the tip of their tongue, and what is to follow is not genuinely kind, they should keep it to themselves.

My lifes worth is not measured about what anyone thinks of me. I really do know this. I just have to keep reminding myself of that from time to time.

Please forgive any typos. This is being posted raw, because that’s how I want to write tonight.

Are you inside out or outside in?

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It starts during our school days. We begin to notice that the best looking kids are the popular ones. Whether we want to admit it or not, if we are not part of that group, we want to be. During these years, the first criteria of whether we “like” a guy or girl is if we, and our friends think he/she is “hot”. When I was in school, the hot guys were called, “studs”. “He is SUCH a stud!”, we would say. ‘

It’s really no wonder then, that as we go through our 20’s, we are looking for the same type of guy. Part of this way of thinking cannot be helped. The first rule of attraction is almost always physical. Because of this, we spend an enormous time trying to look good. Hair, make up, clothes, shoes, going to the gym, etc. etc.etc.

Is it any wonder then, that so many 20 somethings are divorced after only a few years of marriage? Amazingly, both men and women confuse attraction with love. That attraction stays strong for about 18 months. After that time, is slowly dissipates and we “fall out of love” with our spouses. Coincidence? Not likely. The truth is, we probably never were in love with them in the first place. How many times has that hot guy/girl turned in to a hot mess?

Now, imagine if we spent as much time and dedication on our inside (emotional health) as we do on our outside (physical health). Science has proven that the mind and body are directly related. A happy, well-rounded mind leads to a happy and healthy body. We learn that, as cliché’ as it sounds, what is on the inside is far more attractive and important than what is on the outside. The sooner we open our minds to this fact, the quicker we will find a healthy, lasting love.

It is no wonder then, that marriages in our 30’s+ are far most lasting than earlier marriages? Now, I am not saying we should ignore the physical, what I am saying is we should properly prioritize it. Think of it this way, how many “hot” 90 year olds do you know? Um, none.

With this information, it is easy to see why we should all be an inside out person (meaning we count was is on the inside of someone as more important than what is on the outside). Conversely, we can see why being an outside in person (reverse the last sentence) is far more likely to end in heartache.

Now, here’s the hard part. It is really difficult to change the way we think without help. This is because there is a reason we migrate towards certain kinds of people that we are unaware of. This is where counseling comes in. Seeking counseling is not of weakness. In fact, it is quite the opposite. It takes great strength to admit to ourselves that there is always room for growth.

Give it a try. You will be glad you did.

Talk to you guys again soon! xoxo

My Blog: 2/12/14 We thought we had it all figured out.

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It started in our teens and, for some, even before our teen years. Our parents, our teachers and society in general start pushing for the answer to this question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” There is always a select group, (my son belongs to the group) of kids that do know exactly what they want to do with the rest of their lives.However, for the most part, teens have no clue. Think back to when you were a teenager. Did you know? If so, did it work out?

In our twenties, we thought we had it all figured out. We created a mental plan to pursue the “American Dream” ie. finish college, marry school sweetheart, have 2.4 children, a dog and, of course, the house with the white picket fence. Our life plan, life goals were set, we thought at the time, forever.

So, we maneuvered through our 20’s, life goals set in place. All we had to do was follow the plan, and we would have the life we (or society) believes we need. I talk to 20 somethings now and they have a life plan firmly in place. A timeline in fact, when each stage of their live is going to happen. They actually believe their lives will work out exactly as they have planned. It’s comical. And on more than one occasion, I have said to these plan followers, “come talk to me in 20 years and let me know how that worked out for you.” And then::

Life happens

We spend our 30’s trying to figure out what the hell went wrong and what we need to do to rectify and resurrect our life plan. After all, how could we be expected to live our lives with no light at the end of the tunnel. Not since our teen years have we been so completely confused.

The fabulous 40’s could not get here soon enough.. We reflect. We take mental notes of our lives so far. What has worked? What hasn’t? Then, for the first time in our lives, we realize, who cares??? We’ve spent all of these years trying to fit a mold that was a farce to begin with. After reflecting on our experiences, we realize that life is not all about the end goal. In fact, it’s not about a goal at all. Life is about the journey. Moreover, life is the journey.

What a revelation! A whole new perspective is born.

We now and forever forward, have a completely different view of what a success life looks like and it does not include a white picket fence. True life success comes from within, from the relationships we foster and hold so dear, It comes from understanding the world is so much bigger than us and we need to stick together in it. That career we prepared for and have worked in for so long seems so trivial now. We stop stepping on toes to move up the ladder, we quit working 60-70 hours a week and spend more time with our families; doing the things we want to do, seeing the things we’ve always wanted to see. We learn the value of living in the moment.

So, if you have not yet had your revelation, why not start today? Take an ax to that white picket fence. Define your own success.Live your life in such a way that you will be happy. . Don’t confine yourself to the boundaries of the “American Dream”. Live out your own dreams.