Mom’s March.

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March used to be my Mama’s month. After all, her birthday is March 12, 1944. She would be 70 in just a few days. “Would be” are the operative words. That nasty shit, cancer took her 23 years ago when she was 46.

46…the age I am now.

Unbelievable. She only got to live this long. What kind of shitty deal is that? I’m 46 and I’m only just getting started. I was nearly 23 when she passed, so I have officially now have been without her as long as I was with her.

It doesn’t matter. How long it’s been, I mean. So much of her is in me. So much that sometimes, I feel like i can’t breathe. And get this, it’s been like this for 23 years. It shouldn’t be that way. It shouldn’t still be so fresh. But for some reason that I am completely unaware of, it hasn’t faded. It’s not that I am in constant mourning everyday as if it were the day she passed.

It’s not that.

It’s just that she is so “here”. And yet, she’s not. She is in me but I cannot feel her presence. You know how people always say, they can feel someone who has passed? That has never happened to me, not once. I sure wish it would. Just 5 minutes. That’s all I need. To clear a few things up and to say thanks for everything and to ask her to let go of me. And I would hug so hard and it’s a hug I could keep close forever. Just the hug. Nothing else. Seems reasonable to me.

So, if that would help me so much, why can it not happen? If it truly does happen to others, then why not me too? I can’t figure it out. In any case, I called this piece, “Mom’s March” because it always has been. But this year, 2014 is the last year it is Mom’s March. Going forward, it will be “MY March”. No more reflecting. Well, except for those times when It happens out of my control. But I think it’s important to make it MY March. It’s also going to be MY Christmas. It’s going to be MY June 30th.

I’m 46 years old. I still have so much to do. It’s high time I got on it.

Talk to you soon! xoxo

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Are you inside out or outside in?

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It starts during our school days. We begin to notice that the best looking kids are the popular ones. Whether we want to admit it or not, if we are not part of that group, we want to be. During these years, the first criteria of whether we “like” a guy or girl is if we, and our friends think he/she is “hot”. When I was in school, the hot guys were called, “studs”. “He is SUCH a stud!”, we would say. ‘

It’s really no wonder then, that as we go through our 20’s, we are looking for the same type of guy. Part of this way of thinking cannot be helped. The first rule of attraction is almost always physical. Because of this, we spend an enormous time trying to look good. Hair, make up, clothes, shoes, going to the gym, etc. etc.etc.

Is it any wonder then, that so many 20 somethings are divorced after only a few years of marriage? Amazingly, both men and women confuse attraction with love. That attraction stays strong for about 18 months. After that time, is slowly dissipates and we “fall out of love” with our spouses. Coincidence? Not likely. The truth is, we probably never were in love with them in the first place. How many times has that hot guy/girl turned in to a hot mess?

Now, imagine if we spent as much time and dedication on our inside (emotional health) as we do on our outside (physical health). Science has proven that the mind and body are directly related. A happy, well-rounded mind leads to a happy and healthy body. We learn that, as cliché’ as it sounds, what is on the inside is far more attractive and important than what is on the outside. The sooner we open our minds to this fact, the quicker we will find a healthy, lasting love.

It is no wonder then, that marriages in our 30’s+ are far most lasting than earlier marriages? Now, I am not saying we should ignore the physical, what I am saying is we should properly prioritize it. Think of it this way, how many “hot” 90 year olds do you know? Um, none.

With this information, it is easy to see why we should all be an inside out person (meaning we count was is on the inside of someone as more important than what is on the outside). Conversely, we can see why being an outside in person (reverse the last sentence) is far more likely to end in heartache.

Now, here’s the hard part. It is really difficult to change the way we think without help. This is because there is a reason we migrate towards certain kinds of people that we are unaware of. This is where counseling comes in. Seeking counseling is not of weakness. In fact, it is quite the opposite. It takes great strength to admit to ourselves that there is always room for growth.

Give it a try. You will be glad you did.

Talk to you guys again soon! xoxo