Dear Dedicated Followers

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I definitely spent more time looking through tons of images that encompass the followers to my blog than I did actually writing this blog.. First, I came up with this one:

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But I immediately thought, “BORING”. We may be a lot of things, but boring, we are not. So, I continued my search. I considered zombies, but then I remembered I’m an adult. So I stopped looking and started thinking. What do the followers of my blog represent to me? Then it hit me!

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Diamonds! While I may not know you personally, I know that I appreciate each and every one of you. Just as no two people are the alike, the same is true for diamonds. Beautiful, interesting, complex and admirable. Diamonds. The perfect way to describe my blog followers and guests.

I touched on it briefly a couple of days ago, that I have been in hospital. I am home today but, as you can imagine, I’m a gigantic, hot mess! Even so, I still wanted to send you something brief to explain the irregularity of my posts. I also want to convey to you how much I admire and appreciate you sticking with me.

Look for more posts coming soon. Funny stuff to share with you!

Talk to you soon! xoxo

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Juan Pablo tells People Magazine that Bachelor Contestant, Clare Crawley’s Reaction to his rejection was childish and disappointing.

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It may not seem like it, but I truly don’t want to give this guy any more publicity than he already has. I keep intending to leave this story, I really do. I guess I’m just still that damn mad about the whole thing. There’s that, coupled with more information slowly coming out that must not be ignored.

If you watched this season of “The Bachelor” staring latin lover, Juan Pablo something or another, you know what went down with him and Clare Crawley. Piecing together the whole picture truly makes Juan Pablo a despicable human being and I will tell you why.

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Very early on in the season, Clare snuck off and went to Juan Pablo’s suite to ask him to swim with her in the ocean – “a bucket list item”, she said. Now, by no means, do I mean to paint Clare as an innocent victim here. That said, like so many women, my guess is that she thought if she could get him to have sex with her, he would fall in love with her. Don’t dismiss this theory. Ladies, back me up here. Plenty of women have used this tactic. Some successful, some not. In general, it’s not recommended.

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We know they were alone several times after that night, throughout the entire season and now we know why. In fact, Clare made it all the way to the final two. Juan Pablo answered Clare’s question, “Just tell me you love me”, his response, “I love f*ing you but I don’t know you”.

What does all of this add up to?

It’s not pretty. Not pretty at all. It’s very clear from the 2nd part of his comment, the “I don’t know you” part, that their time together was spent getting physical.  Juan Pablo is a bigger dbag than we ever realized. He kept Clare around to have a “piece on the side” while he dated the other women. Essentially, he objectified Clare from the get go and never took her feelings in to account. Clare even called him on it the night before the final rose. She told him point blank, “if this is just a physical thing, tell me now and I’m out of here”. He assured her that, “no, you’re special to me, that is why you are here”.

Any man, with any shred of empathy would have owned up. Juan Pablo did not. He used Clare for sex and told her as much. Then lied to her to keep her there so he could publicly reject and humiliate her on national television.

I seriously just threw up a little in my mouth. Why? Because of this comment Juan Pablo made to People Magazine:

“She was expecting me to propose, I get it, but you don’t have to come at me like that,” he says. “It was childish. She disappointed me.”

Juan Pablo used Clare and set her up and she’s the childish, disappointing one??? No woman wants a man capable of this kind of manipulation. Nikki, don’t say you haven’t been warned.

Talk to you all soon….after I cool down. xoxo

I Got Kicked In The Head By A Zebra…and I was LUCKY! (True story)

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Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction. This story runs along the lines of, “you just can’t make this stuff up”.

Let me start this story by laying a little ground work. Actually, I’m just going to explain the dumbassiveness (yes, I made up that word because it SO applies here) of the whole ordeal. Those of you who have children will know exactly what I am talking about here. I only had one child. For this story, he is my first child. FIRST child. The learning child. Right? Until we’ve had that first child, we are practically children ourselves. We try our hardest with our first child and certainly learn the most of how to raise a child from them.

With a first child, we typically determine that we must expose him/her to all of the wonderful child related activities we can. Think about how many times you’ve seen a couple with an infant at a theme park. Why? They are too small to ride anything. They won’t remember it, so why do we do it? It’s because they are our first. And in my case, my one and only.

Groundwork laid. Now here’s the story:

My son was born in England. His dad and I decided we would take him to one of those drive through safari places. I know, I know. Remember…first child. He was maybe 3 months old, if that. We were warned that the chimps liked to jump on cars and occasionally steal a windshield wipers.

No problem, we hadn’t gotten in that far yet.

It was an unusually warm that day. We drove through the safari slowly with the windows down on the car. My son was so small, he didn’t fit in a car seat yet so he was in my lap. His head was closest to the car door.

“Awe, how cool!” we said. “Check out the giraffe and look at those camels!” We proceeded a little further as my infant slept soundly.

I wanted a little snack and there was a pack of hydrox cookies on the dashboard. I grabbed them as we approached the zebras. I ate a hydrox cookie as we slowly continued. The zebras were curious about us. They moved closer to the car. Closer and closer they came. I needed to roll up my car window but I had an infant and hydrox in my hands!

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It turns out, the zebras wanted a snack as well. In a panick, I pulled one hydrox out and gave it to a zebra. He, and his buddy were practically IN our car. Well, apparently I did not get another hydrox out for the other zebra in a timely manner. Rather than. waiting his turn, he got pissed off. In fact, the zebra was so pissed off, he turned away from the car and kicked out his back legs behind him.

That’s when it happened.

He hit me right across the face with his hoof! And he was seriously only inches away from hitting my son! I was so lucky though. I was a little banged up but, thankfully, my son was still sleeping soundly.

I look back at that whole incident, I see so many mistakes we made as first time parents. The biggest being, why did we take him out in the car when he was too small to fit in a car seat?  Why in the hell did we feel the need and/or see it as appropriate to take a newborn to a drive through safari? Why did we even start with our windows down? Why did we have food sitting on the dashboard?

I learned a lot of lessons that day. The zebra that kicked me learned a little something too.

He learned that if you kick a lady in the head, she’s not going to give you a hydrox.

I Feel Like A Stark Raving LUNATIC! (True Story – You Can’t Make This Crap Up)

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HERE I AM!

You know those people? The Calamity Jane types that always seem to have an emergency? They miss tons of work/school because there is always something wrong with them? I’ve known more than a few during my work life and it’s so annoying. “For god’s sake, just get you a$$ to work and do something!” Yep, I’ve thought it many times.

But now…I AM that person and I HATE it!

I have a chronic thing I deal with. Blah Blah, whatever. Part of the fallout of that caused me to have three, yes THREE tooth extractions last week. (Kill me.) If you’ve ever had an extraction, you know. It makes a root canal seem like a walk in the park. Swelling, pain, not to mention appearance. Looking forward to the rebuild this week. I pride myself on being fabulous always in all ways. So finally, this week, the infection began to wane, the swelling began to dissipate and I finally started to feel better. I was almost back in the game.

Then last night, I had the whole severe abdominal pain so bad it made me faint (never happened before) thing. So, now along with the ailing mouth, I have a busted face, (right twix my eyes) and a big ole shiner on my forehead. Honest to god, if it weren’t true, it would be hysterical! (Interesting side note – I did NOT click the italics on the word, “hysterical”….it just happened!)

See what I’m saying? You just cannot make this stuff up!

All I can say is, I have to go out tomorrow to run some errands. So, keep yourself off the road so that, you too, do not become yet another chapter in my ‘Calamity Jane” life! xoxo

The Blood Curdling Screams From My Back Yard. (True story, Rated R)

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When I moved to Florida over 2 years ago, I hadn’t given any thought to the amazing wildlife that is unique to this area. I quickly became fascinated by the variety, most of which I had never seen before. I was first welcomed by a very odd looking and very tall bird I later found out to be a wood stork. I named him Woody. He came to visit me only twice but it was cool and special, something I’ll never forget. His photo sits on my bookshelf. I’m pleased to introduce you to Woody:

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 As time went on, I came to appreciate many different species. Large turtles frequently crawled under my fence to hang out in my back yard. Frogs and lizards were everywhere and I marveled at watching them do their thing. But one day,  a very strange string of events took place. A desperate and panicked squeal, not unlike that of a screeching howler monkey was coming from my back yard!

 My mother instinct kicked into overdrive. I did not know what it was but I knew I was going to do whatever it took to save the distressed animal. I crept outside like a ninja and desperately looked around for where this continuous screeching was coming from.

 And then I saw it.

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A yellow rat snake was hanging down from one of my palm trees but he was not alone. The blood curdling screaming (and I am not exaggerating about the sound) was coming from the large tree frog the snake was beginning to eat. Apparently, the snake will usually grab a frog, face first. One bite and it’s dead, hence, silence from the frog. But that is not what happened here. This is what was going down:

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The snake grabbed the frog from the rear! The frog was terrified and made that loud and clear. Not being a native Floridian, I had no idea if the snake was poisonous or not and I didn’t care. The mom in me sprang into action. I HAD to save that frog! I frantically scanned the back yard for anything I could use as a weapon.

I was in the middle of a re-purposing project so I had a pale pink paint stirring stick in the yard- that was it. There was no time!. I had to make do. So,without any thought of my own well being, I grabbed the pretty pale pink paint stick (try to say that 3 times fast) and turned into a crazed lunatic. While screaming every curse word I could think of, I started beating the sh*t out of the snake with my stick.. “YOU STUPID M*THER F*CKER LET GO OF THE D*AMN FROG OR I’M GOING TO F*CKING KILL YOU!!! With each whack of my pale pink stir stick, I got louder and more focused. G*D D*AMNIT, LET GO OF THAT F*CKING FROG!!

 I continued. SMACK, CURSE, SMACK, CURSE.

It was not until later that I found out that 1) a yellow rat snake is not poisonous and 2) the snakes teeth are angled back so once they have bitten into something, they literally cannot let it go. Guess what??? THE SNAKE LET GO OF THE FROG!

The frog happily and quickly leaped away and the yellow rat snake retreated to the top of the palm tree, clearly embarrassed he had been defeated. That frog did not get eaten that day. Not on my watch…

Are you impressed with me? Well, you should be. Not only is this story 100% true, but I am writing it after having a tooth pulled a couple of hours ago.

 Happy Weekend y’all!