Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction. This story runs along the lines of, “you just can’t make this stuff up”.
Let me start this story by laying a little ground work. Actually, I’m just going to explain the dumbassiveness (yes, I made up that word because it SO applies here) of the whole ordeal. Those of you who have children will know exactly what I am talking about here. I only had one child. For this story, he is my first child. FIRST child. The learning child. Right? Until we’ve had that first child, we are practically children ourselves. We try our hardest with our first child and certainly learn the most of how to raise a child from them.
With a first child, we typically determine that we must expose him/her to all of the wonderful child related activities we can. Think about how many times you’ve seen a couple with an infant at a theme park. Why? They are too small to ride anything. They won’t remember it, so why do we do it? It’s because they are our first. And in my case, my one and only.
Groundwork laid. Now here’s the story:
My son was born in England. His dad and I decided we would take him to one of those drive through safari places. I know, I know. Remember…first child. He was maybe 3 months old, if that. We were warned that the chimps liked to jump on cars and occasionally steal a windshield wipers.
No problem, we hadn’t gotten in that far yet.
It was an unusually warm that day. We drove through the safari slowly with the windows down on the car. My son was so small, he didn’t fit in a car seat yet so he was in my lap. His head was closest to the car door.
“Awe, how cool!” we said. “Check out the giraffe and look at those camels!” We proceeded a little further as my infant slept soundly.
I wanted a little snack and there was a pack of hydrox cookies on the dashboard. I grabbed them as we approached the zebras. I ate a hydrox cookie as we slowly continued. The zebras were curious about us. They moved closer to the car. Closer and closer they came. I needed to roll up my car window but I had an infant and hydrox in my hands!
It turns out, the zebras wanted a snack as well. In a panick, I pulled one hydrox out and gave it to a zebra. He, and his buddy were practically IN our car. Well, apparently I did not get another hydrox out for the other zebra in a timely manner. Rather than. waiting his turn, he got pissed off. In fact, the zebra was so pissed off, he turned away from the car and kicked out his back legs behind him.
That’s when it happened.
He hit me right across the face with his hoof! And he was seriously only inches away from hitting my son! I was so lucky though. I was a little banged up but, thankfully, my son was still sleeping soundly.
I look back at that whole incident, I see so many mistakes we made as first time parents. The biggest being, why did we take him out in the car when he was too small to fit in a car seat? Why in the hell did we feel the need and/or see it as appropriate to take a newborn to a drive through safari? Why did we even start with our windows down? Why did we have food sitting on the dashboard?
I learned a lot of lessons that day. The zebra that kicked me learned a little something too.
He learned that if you kick a lady in the head, she’s not going to give you a hydrox.